I sit here thinking to myself, why is the truth so important?
It is so volatile and unforgiving that it can destroy the most hardened of people.
Trust stems from the truth that we speak. I have always wanted to tell the out right truth but what comes from it, a torch that was burning is smothered with a bucket of water and left to be damp and wet.
The people I hold dear do not really know me still to this day, as I cant let them truly in to my life as I fear that its too bland and just weird. I am not a right person in the head to be honest.
Mix this with a past relationship that has made me worse and ruined me and now one that I am unable to see more than once a blue moon, it really makes me want to question life yet again. I do Love her but not like before. I want nothing but the best and for her success. I am gonna have to try and not think about her and take a step back. If she cares she will come for me but without that I am gone.
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???? I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG, EVERYTHING, MY LIFE, MY WAY OF THINKING, MY NON EXISTENT SOCIAL ABILITY, NO INTERESTS, NO DRIVE. I AM A SHELL.
There is nothing I strive for and with everyone always saying I have so much potential....I really don not see it, I see my death better than I see tomorrow and the lives I affect, the relationships I hold and hope to experience.
I hold those in high remark and love....have a place in my heart that i can not forget but also hurt most for. I cant be stabbed constantly by those people, I am feeling it everyday.
What gives me the right to not care for those I hold dear, and keep them at a distance is so I can always be a shadow for them. There is a time like any super hero, they stay in the dark till the time is right.
To be honest the light that I might shine will come on the day I die as that will only bring love back out from those that have cared for me and also for each other. I cant see me doing much else the next few years besides paying my debts as not to burden any one and to save a little give away and cover anything I might leave behind to be donated.
My time of passing brings me more joy than anything and always has done and I want it to come faster than anything else. I cant help it. I just feel the world cant handle the future and neither can I.
I leave my heart beating on the ground. Cover it up with a smile and the world will leave me be. The faster I go the better.
