For Lee 💛

How do people cope with heartache when they are already dead inside

This might come to as a surprise for the generation that is the late 80s/early 90s but the ones that set off using what technological growth that came about to disassociate their lives from the real world to the digital, have not really looked past a suffering that can truly come about when life throws curveballs like the pre-digital era came. Love has always been the topic I want most to be in my life as well as those around me but with the Fortunate/Unfortunate time I have been born into, I myself live with a broken soul and with no real mends that can happen. Running into walls of bad luck, failing at every corner and falling hard...be it with love or work at the peak. This does not fill me with confidence to find that a heart like mine that is already dead via the social impacts of losing one self in digital or even materialistic "wants" and not the real world "needs" that are to sustain me/us through another lifetime. Keep looking round the corner as if you never knew been round it but its all a big circle with same doors and rooms you end up in. Breaking such a dire circumstance takes not just your own will power but that of a external force. Friends and Family pave a way to see what future can be like as some of them came from times past and others living for what times presents. I may just want to turn to what would be temporary fixes and rushes or what you might see depicted in something like "SKINS" (and well all know how that ends) and just lose all feeling and accept the blind euphoria that hits us for the brief moments. I am getting to a age where I need something...someone to share my life with, but how it works is not commitment but a simple life of being. No real fleeting love, the blood rushing and making the mind light as can be to have that sense of true Euphoria without the intoxication of drugs. While writing this I notice even in my effort of wanting keep this blog only for a random few crossing past it and also my own sad record of thoughts, that it is just bland like me. Why put in the effort of the modern day blog writer when back in day it was a simply pen and paper or even better a type writer just to keep that keyboard factor of things...only benefit is that I can delete bits and re write it as my handwriting is atrocious and I make a million mistakes, that no amount of tippex can erase.

Twenty one pilots lyrics

How many relate to the words sung by them, like many other song lyrics, we all take emotional comfort or distress from them.

What makes it so east to listen to...it's cause it's someone else saying it and not you but you know you want to.

A tear tells us that there is no taking it back once it wells and falls from your eyes, a story be it mostly sad has a silver lining. You are still standing and breathing.

Give into to lyrics and like a tear you never had, it is holds the same story and it ends to the next track.

bleh

I sit here thinking to myself, why is the truth so important? It is so volatile and unforgiving that it can destroy the most hardened of people. Trust stems from the truth that we speak. I have always wanted to tell the out right truth but what comes from it, a torch that was burning is smothered with a bucket of water and left to be damp and wet. The people I hold dear do not really know me still to this day, as I cant let them truly in to my life as I fear that its too bland and just weird. I am not a right person in the head to be honest. Mix this with a past relationship that has made me worse and ruined me and now one that I am unable to see more than once a blue moon, it really makes me want to question life yet again. I do Love her but not like before. I want nothing but the best and for her success. I am gonna have to try and not think about her and take a step back. If she cares she will come for me but without that I am gone. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???? I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG, EVERYTHING, MY LIFE, MY WAY OF THINKING, MY NON EXISTENT SOCIAL ABILITY, NO INTERESTS, NO DRIVE. I AM A SHELL. There is nothing I strive for and with everyone always saying I have so much potential....I really don not see it, I see my death better than I see tomorrow and the lives I affect, the relationships I hold and hope to experience. I hold those in high remark and love....have a place in my heart that i can not forget but also hurt most for. I cant be stabbed constantly by those people, I am feeling it everyday. What gives me the right to not care for those I hold dear, and keep them at a distance is so I can always be a shadow for them. There is a time like any super hero, they stay in the dark till the time is right. To be honest the light that I might shine will come on the day I die as that will only bring love back out from those that have cared for me and also for each other. I cant see me doing much else the next few years besides paying my debts as not to burden any one and to save a little give away and cover anything I might leave behind to be donated. My time of passing brings me more joy than anything and always has done and I want it to come faster than anything else. I cant help it. I just feel the world cant handle the future and neither can I. I leave my heart beating on the ground. Cover it up with a smile and the world will leave me be. The faster I go the better.

video

Dreaming

Not a day goes past where I dont day dream, but what really counts is how I dream a Faithful Dream. Hope brings out our Faith and its all we warm towards.
Choose the decision in life that makes you calm. Never rock the boat cause you might fall, and its how you float that makes you get past the storms.
All this while having a mess all in your head.

So this maybe one of those really pointless pages where you will glance over it and dismiss everything you have read...that is exactly what it should be...all I ask is that when you are reading this that you might relate in someway within the many emotions that flow through our very bodies/minds with every breathe we take.

This is a story about what love does to a person as weak as I am.

No one is in it more than I was yet as a paradox "I" was not. As sad as it may sound Self Blame and Wanting the Best, will never come to be as I have a part of me that loses everything, this being my mind...Forgetting things/Giving no time/Passing time/Wasting away/Avoidance...all me and yet not wanting it be.

I gave "all" of a "part of me" is how it will be. I was never a whole person to begin with. Mind, Body and Soul, take into account God and we got ourselves a very large heap of mess when wanting all to co operate and make what I so call "Love" for someone a full commitment.

Putting all my eggs in the basket, including the ones in my head to make that special someone actually feel it and not left on the side like a second thought.

Now I don't wanna lose you
But I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side

And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry

And that don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
And I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall

Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
And do you feel me beside you in your bed?
There beside you, where I used to lay

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love, it just ain't enough

Read more: Patty Smyth - Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Love ruined me and yet I feel like I have little to offer the next Lucky one in my life.
Having someone find me fascinating, adore me, want to be with me, as do i them.....I fear it wont be all of me like the first time.

Complicated is what I call it and yet not complexing, the outcome as its who i am and for the other to know this and still want me.....She will be special that i want only to spend the rest of my life with her.